AHHHH SCARY!

So today I totally freaked out. I was up early this morning (which I normally sleep in til 11 or 12, especially on saturdays) But I went to spanish fork for a family get together for my little cousins birthdays. Anyways after a while I realized I hadnt felt Cameron move all day, so i tried drinking juice, water, eating something sugary. I shook my belly harder than I had ever shook my belly, I poked it, I pushed it. Nothing. It just felt like a limp belly. It was the weirdest feeling ever. Like It didnt even feel round and hard like it normally does. It was so scary. So by 3:o0 in the afternoon and I still hadnt felt any kind of jabbing movements (just sloshing) I called the doctors office and asked them if I should go in and my doctor said to go get things checked. I pretty much LOST it as I was driving over. I was bawling by the time I got there and riding all the way up in the elevator. Sean was at home doing homework and Ammon was sleeping. I was all alone and imagining the worst of course, and super hormonal, but I went in, and I SWEAR it took them forever to admit me and hook me up to monitors, it was seriously like a half hour to 45 minutes, I just wanted them to hold something up to my belly and let me hear the heart beat! But finally I got all hooked up and the lady was putting the thing all over my belly looking for the heartbeat and she tried in like 4 different places and I wasn't hearing IT! I was like did you find it and she was like Yeah, I just looking for a good position so we could hear it loud and strong, and she moved it around a while longer and I was kinda freaking out and then all of a sudden BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM. There it was, loud and strong, it was just the position he was in that made it diffucult. And the heart rate was great and then of course he started moving after I got hooked up. I seriously was scared out of my mind, it was like my worst fear was coming true. I had tried to move him and wake him and do EVERYTHING to get him to move and he still didnt. It was so scary. I am still so terrified of something going wrong and me going home without my baby. My mom lost her only son when he was 2 days old. I was only five but I remember it so clearly. It has always been a fear to lose a baby so far along. I would rather he be born and then pass on, considering he would then be with us for eternity, but I don't know of any promise like that with stillborns and that is my greatest fear. I only know that Heavenly Father will be fair to us and everything will be understood after this life. But it has been a CONSTANT worry with this pregnancy. I think the fear became more real because of the miscarriage we had right before this pregnancy. It made me so much more cautious with this pregnancy. being pregnant one day and then not pregnant the next was really hard to accept. It was still very early on with the pregnancy, but it hurt still. We were very lucky and blessed to be able to get pregnant again so quickly. But I constantly worry about all the risks, side effects, and dangers of everything and the first thing I think of is "Oh my gosh my baby is gonna die" I still dont want to completly celebrate this baby until he is alive and breathing in my arms. Not only that but with how crazy Ammon is lately, Its so hard to trust him to anyone, he has had some close calls in the last couple months. Like ANGELS were watching over him and kept him alive. The situations he can get into in under 15 seconds TERRIFY me. Hes so active and wild and Im so slow and handicapped right now (We currently dont go anywhere without his monkey leash) I couldn't imagine losing him right now and being able to whole heartedly rejoice and be a competent mother to a newborn, I would be a mess, like a walking zombie. Its a womans worst fear to lose the children she has helped to create, whether they were born or not. Anyways, everything was fine after I had gone in, they said that sometimes when they get further down in the pelvis, it restricts them from being able to move. I also think he could have just been sleeping or being really lazy or something. But yeah, that little guy gave me a HUGE scare. I was BAWLING my eyes out today, thinking of the worst case senario, and now my eyes have been stinging and tired all day. Anyways, I havent had any more contractions after that one day of 24 hour contractions and back pain and all that jazz. Which is fine with me, I figure I dont want contractions unless hes coming! No use in wasting pain and energy on contractions going nowhere. I did get my cervix checked today at the hospital and they said I had a fingertip. So my cervix is starting to open. So thats GOOD news. These irregular contractions were doing a teeny bit. Anyways. All is well and I counted my blessings and sent a prayer of thanks. It is so very scary!