Our "Coming out" Post

I know we seem like the perfect family (insert sarcasm here), but we have major issues. I don't believe I have made an official announcement on any social media, so I feel justified in titling this our "coming out post." I would like to be extremely blunt. This last year has been extremely difficult for the Ford family. Most of this revolves around Sean and Cameron's diagnosis with Aspergers Disorder. Now, some of you may be totally and completely shocked because "Sean seems so normal", and yeah, you are right. He does seem normal. It's not until you get into more intimate relationships that you start to notice that something isn't right. Which is a good thing. I'm glad it's not something that is impeding his daily interactions with people. I love Sean with all of my heart, and the more we discover, the stronger I feel that we were meant to be together. I know the Lord directed me and put me in a path so Sean could find me. There is no doubt in my mind that we were made for each other, and meant to share this earthly experience. Sean once told me,
"we might not be childhood sweethearts or even high-school sweethearts, but we are pre-mortal sweethearts," and everything we have been through and discovered has confirmed it several times over. Call me crazy, or even blind, but all these signs had either been over looked or explained away by other things ( past substance abuse, differences in family dynamics, or extreme differences in personality traits.) It wasn't until this last summer that the Lord touched my heart and inspired us to research and seek out the proper steps. For those still sitting on the fence, I can tell you about a few of the things we finally put together:

• He is extremely literal. And when I literal. I mean literal.  I have some pretty funny stories about Sean, and some not-so-funny ones.
• He is sensitive to loud noises and certain pitches. You may have heard him describe loud noises as "piercing his soul." I always thought he was being overly-dramatic when he explained it to me that way. After learning more about the disorder, I totally get it. Completely. It makes me reflect on all the times he has sacrificed himself to be in an atmosphere that literally pains him, for me.

• He gets overstimulated, and it doesn't take much. I know men aren't the best at multitasking, but my sweet husband takes it to a whole new level. Coming home after church to change the kids, feed them lunch, and set them up with an activity is a really hard thing for him, even when we do it together. Too much going on at once (even if it's just two things) can be so overwhelming that the hard drive of his brain starts to fry, and it can't start a meltdown.

• He has a hard time picking up on social cues and facial expressions. He takes people for their word and that's it. Body language is completely irrelevant to him and he will tell you that flat out. Clarity, to him, is being literal with his words. He has a difficult time interpreting body language, or conveying a message with his own body language.

• He thrives on routine, order, and principle. This is not a horrible thing to thrive on. The problem lies with the inflexible thinking. There is no room for spirit of the law, just letter of the law. A disruption of routine can result in epic meltdowns or episodes. These are heightened during the last half of the year, particularly around the holidays. I remember one night I was invited to attend a bridal shower on a Friday night, which is our date night. It bothered him to no end that I was changing things on him. We did a half-date and went out a little bit earlier than usual. He was extremely irritated and told me he would be very angry if I was gone longer than the amount of time I had spent on our date. When I returned home, he was livid and an episode pursued. Looking back, I wish I had known the importance of routine, because I would have handled the situation differently.
• He has a hard time showing emotion or feeling empathy for anyone. It's extremely hard for him to place himself in another persons shoes or to sense what someone else might be feeling. This is literally impossible for him to do and he will be the first to tell you that. 
• Aspies can be sensitive to smells. Sean hated almost all of my lotions and sprays when we first got married, that was definitely a hard pill for me to swallow (I always thought I smelled great). 
• He has aversions to certain tastes and textures (he can't walk flat footed on a kitchen floor, he has to tiptoe), temperatures (He will only take scalding hot showers and only eat luke-warm food.)

• He is extremely smart. In the NAVY he was an Avionics Technician and he worked on planes. He once told me that he got so good at it that he became board. I never really believed him until his diagnosis.
• He is obsessed with certain topics like the end of the world. Only ask him about that if you have about five hours to talk. He used to ambush me with crazy-scary facts late at night or first thing in the morning. I had to set some rules that are still in effect today. We only talk about Gloom and Doom between 12 and 5 p.m.
• Sean does have some weird ticks, one of his biggest ones is his breathing tick. He will breathe out, over and over again. He's been doing this for at least four years that I know of. It happens the most when he is trying to concentrate on taking a test.One time he almost passed out in the testing center because he was focusing on his compulsion so bad.

 Along with the weird is the really sweet. Sean is the most sincere and honest man I know. He is earnest, light-hearted, and child-like. He is a happy-go-lucky guy and really fun to talk to. He can be the sweetest most sensitive guy who ever walked the planet. He loves his family fiercely. He is faithful, loyal,and incredibly motivated and hardworking. These are some of the main reasons that I married him. I can't even list all the things I love about this man.

Asperger meltdowns are not uncommon. They will happen more often when they feel their world is out of their control. Most of the time Sean's meltdowns were because of a sudden or known routine change. Other meltdowns were caused by his feelings of inadequacy to fulfill a request or expectation of him. (Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, and Birthday's were particularly hard for him.) Looking back on our 7 years of marriage I can't think of hardly any of our fights that didn't trace back to one of these things, but I can safely say that 98% of our marital fights (and I mean fights) have been directly related to an issue of his disorder. I wish I could track down every previous neighbor and explain things to them, because Heaven knows I could never explain it to anyone back then. It's not to say Sean was wrong in every one of our fights, in fact, he was right in his own mind, and in his world of logic, reasoning, and inflexibly. I'm just glad I understand him more now.
When Sean would say he hated going to my family's house for the holiday's I could never understand why. He would explain to me that he couldn't handle the chaos, loud noise, and the lack of structure. To him he was being perfectly clear, and now that I understand more about him, I see his point. But before knowing all of this, those reasons didn't seem valid enough to hate a place so vehemently. Moreover, I didn't understand the depth  of those reasons.
I remember a particular instance that was directly related to his lack of empathy and need for structure and routine. I was miscarrying the pregnancy prior to Cameron's (2008.) We were both in school during finals (a tremendous amount of stress for an Aspie) and I had gone to an appointment to check on the baby due to spotting. I was crushed when the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat and recommended I go home and rest while the miscarriage took place. I was beyond shocked when Sean wasn't phased at all. On top of him not being phased, he became annoyed that our routine wasn't being kept and that the house wasn't in order. This escalated into a huge episode ending with the police at our house (a neighbor from a block over made the call) and Sean in handcuffs. At the time, I knew it wasn't what it seemed, but I didn't know how to explain it to the police to make them understand. To be clear, he has never been violent with us (just objects). Even though the police tried telling me it would take him no more than 6 months to start physically abusing me, I knew that wasn't true.  Looking back, I wish I had just addressed the issue of routine, flexibility, and special situations and we both could have diffused the situation and avoided a really awkward situation with the Rexburg Police.
I feel safe in talking about all of these things so openly now that I understand it. Before, it was all a dark ominous world of the unknown, and I had no idea how to explain things or behaviors. All that time, I just knew that it wasn't what it seemed. Now that we know, it gives us a starting point and something to build upon. For so long we were fighting in the dark, now we have some light and can finally see what we are both up against. This year is only going to get better. I am so in love with my Aspie husband and so grateful for all the positive things that come with his disorder. I love being able to understand him so much more and realizing the sacrifices he has made for me all along the way.
Stay tuned, because next week we get to talk about Cameron!
http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2010/12/50-positive-characteristics-of.html
http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2010/06/aspergers-tantrums-rage-and-meltdowns.html